bvlsingler Life, Writing

Enough is Enough

My lovely childminder is taking the next couple of weeks off and heading to the crazily hot climes of Turkey.  I really dont resent her having this time off.  I’ve looked after my son. I cant imagine looking after him and four toddler clones at the same time, with the same demands, nappy changes and tantrums x 5.

Image

But this does mean my days are about be all about the mum part of being a PhD mum.  And the PhD? Well, I’m going to try and work in the evenings.  No seriously, dont laugh.

Anyone who knows me knows that my evenings since Henry was born have mostly involved sitting down with an exhausted sigh and falling asleep in front of the Mentalist or Game of Thrones.  I’ve tried working in the evenings, I really have.  For one week before a conference when Henry was 7 months old I was writing in half hour blocks between cries as he REALLY slowly learnt how to stay asleep.  (By the way, why are human babies the only creatures who need to learn how to go, and stay, to sleep!?!).

I will have to start drinking red bull again, just like I did during exam term as an undergraduate. 

But the biggest problem I have (apart from trying to stay awake) is all the paragons of work ethic I have as examples to beat myself up with.  First there’s my mother. Three kids, on her own, part time job, then a full time one, and a clean and tidy house.  My mother in law, two kids and a husband, factory job working 18 hours a day, exceptionally clean and tidy house (not sure if I entirely believe this one, or the denials from my husband that she had family help. 18 hours! Really?!?!). My aunt and uncle, two masters/one PhD, two children WHILE renovating a house. When my single/no kids cousin complains about working for an MBA he gets reminded of this.  When I cant work out when I can possibly do a PhD, look after Henry around his childcare, AND be the kind of mother who makes fresh organic meals in an immaculate kitchen while wearing full make up and lovely hair.  I have examples to measure myself up against and find myself wanting.

Image

I read this article recently, which resonated for me:

‘We live in a culture with a strong sense of scarcity. “We wake up in the morning and we say, ‘I didn’t get enough sleep.’ And we hit the pillow saying, ‘I didn’t get enough done.'” We’re never thin enough, extraordinary enough or good enough – until we decide that we are. “For me,” says Brown, “the opposite of scarcity is not abundance. It’s enough. I’m enough. My kids are enough.”

The Imposter Syndrome that seems endemic amongst PhDs is really a part of a wider feeling of Not Good Enough that society has been sucked into.  People have argued that social media compounds this problem.  We’re never doing as much as our online friends, we are never having as good experiences, our hobbies arent as alternative or quirky, our social life as active.  Maybe, but I’ve also found a lot of honesty online as mothers (mostly its the mothers) admit that its not EASY, they do struggle to be everything to everyone.  I particularly like this blog by a friend of mine taking on motherhood and its issues from a religious angle.

I just want to keep on top of everything.  Which might mean a few less naps on the couch in the evening and a bit more of the old tappity-tap on the laptop! Though this seems more likely:

Image

 

bvlsingler Life, Writing

PhD Mum

I havent posted for a while as I have had a sick baba at home to take care of, which involved a hospital stay and convincing a toddler to keep a drip in his hand and then in his foot.  And then getting him out of the hospital room cupboard…

Image

When I tell people I have a toddler at home and I’m doing a PhD they do tend to react like I am some sort of Superwoman…. or Supermum…

Image

My response is always to say, “let me get the degree first, then we can decide if I’ve been successful!”.  At the moment, and especially after taking a week ‘off’ I feel like I am waaay behind, have so much to catch up on and that I have lost all of the threads I was working on before Henry got poorly. 

Coincidently I read this article in the Daily Mail yesterday (yes, I know, I know…) about childless women upset about the lack of flexibility that they have in their jobs and the extra work they have to take on.  I do think that anyone who cares for another person, older or younger than them, should be given as much help as feasible by their employer.  But then, one of the women talks about having the flexibility to leave early for a nice dinner, or the theatre.  Not quite the same thing. 

I do wonder about how Academia proper works with children.  My faculty is more gender equal than some, and given the presumption that women will do the majority of the childcare, it is reassuring to note the number of high up members who have children. 

Anyway,  trying to get back into things, and using this blog again to start typing out a few thoughts… I’m no superwoman, or supermum, I’m just another PhD Mum 🙂

 

bvlsingler Life, Writing

Thoughts arising from the Writing Summer School

After spending all my four working days last week at the Summer Writing School I am now waaay behind… But I do genuinely feel like I have learnt some useful skills for dealing with writing issues, as well as making lots of new PhD friends who are in the same boat.

A couple of phrases kept repeating that are worth having a quick look at before I write myself this week’s to-do-list:

Kill Your Darlings: Great advice and something I always told the writers I worked with when I was a script editor.  But, as a huge geek, I tend to think of my darlings as potential zombies… there’s always a chance for resurrection.  When I cut a larger piece of text I put it in a ‘spare notes’ document, one for each writing project.  But what I have noticed is how rarely those darlings make it back from the grave… there is usually a reason why they had to die in the first place and no black magic is going to make them stagger back into my main document.

Image

Imposter Syndrome: Lots of people I spoke to at the Summer School were definitely displaying the symptoms of Imposter Syndrome: here’s the well written definition from PhD Confessional:

“Suffering from Impostor Syndrome.  For those unfamiliar with the term, here is a definition:

Despite external evidence of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced that they are frauds and do not deserve the success they have achieved. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they are more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.”

Many hadnt come across the term before, but I think at Cambridge its almost an endemic disease.  Cambridge can be a hive of supersmart people who never quite think that they fit in, and that the bee over there is doing so much better than them, and the one over there is coping so much better and being so much more productive than they are.  We constantly measure ourselves against each other, when really, when it comes to our PhD’s, we are all Queen (or King!) bees.  Some might realise that a PhD is not really for them, or an academic career isnt a good fit, but the actual work of getting a PhD is measured against what we can do, not what others can do.

Image

Two Body Problem: For some of the coupled up PhDs this can be a major problem.  Academia is a transient field these days and maintaing relationships and a career seemed to be problematic for a few people I spoke to.  I wish I had the answer. I have a husband and a son and I know there is going to be a crunch time when I have to choose between the awesome job and the right location for all of us.  Unless of course someone wants to pay me the big bucks and I can be the breadwinner for a while!

Image

Just some thoughts… 🙂